I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
