He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
