yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
