just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
