Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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