Swine flu. Run for my life!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
