Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
