Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
