he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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