I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
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