last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
