In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
