Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
