I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
