You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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