On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
