I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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