wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
