I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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