hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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