Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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