I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
