i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You ate ashes out of my bong
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
