Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
