My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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