you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
