Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
