I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
