I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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