dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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