I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
