i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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