Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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