herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
