all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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