she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
