Please, let me fuck your mom
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
