i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
