Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize