Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
