If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
ok first of all what the fuck
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize