Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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