i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
