Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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