wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
