News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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