I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
