apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
