Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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