porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
