The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
