I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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