I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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