we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
