theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
