Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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