It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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