i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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