So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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