I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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