checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
