I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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