I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
