There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
