I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
