I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
