Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
