I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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