My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
smell my finger.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
