You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
