How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
