highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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