Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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