I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
