I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
